Explosions
Another alarm clock for another morning. 4 more alarm clocks. You know that everything is repeating, starting over and over and over, forever.
Add an alarm clock, open your window before you lay in bed, shut your blinds, you know it will be hot in the morning.
And the bartender of that tiny, tiny, sort of cupboard-like place, with stiff air which makes your eyelids oh-so-heavy and your thoughts even heavier, with dim lights and stories ready to be born as those wicked dreams, asks you
“as usual?”
and you, between troubled sighs and tired glares, you say, “I will take the usual, yes..”
“So, that will be 4 hours then.”
4 hours of sleep you get today. 400 weird, wicked dreams, 4000 breathe ins, 4000 breathe outs.
Forgot to shut your blinds again, didn’t you? And here comes the sun again. Don’t be angry at her, it’s your fault. It’s all your fault. Your room is shining like a star and you think you are a starlight, ready to explode at any given moment destroying everything and everyone around you, creating a whole new world, living organisms whose bellies will be filled with your dust, stardust.
Oh the amount of magic that exists in this damned world, you realize on every step of your life. When you force your stubborn eyelids to open up, that first sip of coffee, sun shining through half closed blinds on your skin, creating an out-of-this-world mixture, a jar of golden warmth pouring down on your skin, and you smile, you smile so bright and you know that warmth is in you from now on, you become the warmth, radiating the light of this world, that burning feeling in your chest slowly fading away, butterflies in stomach, you realize that the magic is everywhere.
Magic of waking up on a morning like this, knowing that if it does not hurt now, it will, at some point, but you are so taken away by the breathtaking possibilities of this world that you forgot every scar you have ever gotten, even the newest scars, that still burn like hell.
The world is unfair, everyone says that, including you. but did you ever look at her in the eyes, the world, did she touch you, punched you in the face so hard that tears burst out from your eyes within the milliseconds, did she play with your hair while your head was laying on her legs, your face in her hand, did you feel so safe, then? Did you listen to your sighs and moans, filled with pleasure, delight, that tiny little particles of dust flying through sunshine. Did you ever hear her voice? Her breathtaking voice, literally breathtaking, fearing you might die while listening to her, goosebumps all over your body.
Did she ever just touch you so slightly, like the desperate waves try to touch their lover, the shore, in a perfect, sunny weather. And did you trip and fall when she did that, you fell like you were falling from space, as soon as you touched the floor, blood streamed from your hands, your palms, your knees, your pretty, stupid face. Boy, she WAS the first aid kit, she was everything you ever needed. Helping hand, the bandages, soft kisses, she was everything. and yup, she is also so, so unfair. But did you ever look into her eyes? God how I hate her most beautiful, heavenly eyes. What do you get when you combine so much love and so much hate? I think explosion is the only solution, what can you say when the words seem so unimportant, so trivial, silent, so little. What can you do when actions don’t seem to achieve anything.
Still laying down, aren’t you? The usual? Pressed the snooze button 300 times. Everything looks so peaceful and still, you’re here, listening to that strange noises of the world inside your cage, thinking about exploding.
So, explode if you will. If that helps you in any way, the explosion, the deafening “KaBOOM”, the blinding light. Become the stardust you once were, again. Or just Realize that you have been stardust all this time, for your entire life. you live in everyone and everyone lives in you. For real though, remember your roots and go, make an explosion.